me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
i prefer mine room temperature.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.