[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Perfect.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]