Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine