Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
You Might Also Like
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.