I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
When I snag the last meatball.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Mummies are just super modest zombies