You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him