JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”