Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
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When you’ve simply given up.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly