Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
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[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.