when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins