I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.