i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Said the murderer.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
A wise man once said nothing.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.