When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
How do you milk an almond?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.