Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.