People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery