Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
True
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”