King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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can’t believe I got front row seats
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
#oldknees
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*