Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
im 7 sauces long
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe