Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Hmmmmm
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?