[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
best review i’ve ever seen
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.