Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker