if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.