The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.