Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Wait for it
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊