Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
How do dragons blow out candles?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”