A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.