I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂