In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”