I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Livid.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.