Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Batman v Dracula
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.