I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
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The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The Backseat Boys
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?