I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”