I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How do you milk an almond?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself