im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.