Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’m being attacked 😭
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.