Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.