How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.