guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Y’all ready for this
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Lmbo
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in