Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You Might Also Like
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.