I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)