who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
did it work
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning