If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now