70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
can I use a minion as a tampon
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.