Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me when the borders lift
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh