Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”