Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after