I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I put the hot in psychotic.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!