shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel