Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.