Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
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channeling her this year
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
nyc: